The buck must stop somewhere!

When someone one storms your house at 5.45am demanding you to unlock your phone because they believe you are cheating on them, then the buck must stop!

When you live in the shadow of your past and all you are is defined by the mistakes of the past, then the buck must stop!

When someone holds you emotional hostage for over 7 years, being allowed to wield authority over your very own existance then the buck must stop!

The buck must stop somewhere. Enough is Enough! I have no one else to encourage me and cheer me on I have got to get up from my ass and realise I am being taken for a fool. I have let someone trample all over my potential and I have to do something about it. I deserve attention, I deserve unrequited love, happiness, freedom, self dignity, confidence and most of all I deserve respect.

I have made a resolve, nobody else can do it for me. I have to break free. No more will empty promises of marriage matter, no more locking my phone with passwords as if am living in a jail, no more empty promises of love, no more being taken for granted, no more bad sex for the rest of my life, no more lies no more holding me hostage with the promise of marriage, no more hiding in the shadows, No more grey areas. Its now black or white. After all I don’t really have to get married and if I do, why not with someone who will treat me like a first. A first in everything, the queen that I am.

Transition is never easy but a challenge never killed anyone. Am done! The buck hasn’t stopped at me. (Drops mic and walks away)

Make or break

”Siku za mwizi ni arubaine” Swahili saying thats stands true always. So out to the strife I have been having with my conscious, my deeds have finally caught up with me. I remember sometime back when I decided I would let go and not let non-issues stress me. I decided to take care of my mental and physical well being oblivious of entitled people’s opinions. Baldy in this case. I continued living my life, I indulged and brought down my guard. Today baldy busted me on a lie. A lie of infidelity.

So there are two things here, either I cower admit fault and move on together with him, or finally use this as the break free moment I have been waiting for. So now the dilema comes in. I have no clue what he intends to do about it but given the narcissistic nature he has presented time and time again he may choose to take it in and save face by staying put. On the other hand, he may choose to build bridges with the other woman and leave. The former choice is not at all ideal for me as it means I remain ensnared in a cold, at best union, that makes me unhappy. There is a thrill in the thought of starting all over. Serious jitters and butterflies in the stomach but starting over could actually work. It could really be an idea. Lord knows its not the easiest choice and it would mean serious adjustments on my part and baby girl’s part but honestly it is an idea am flirting with coz in the long run its my happiness that matters. There comes a time to bite the bullet and make a stand….Mystic, what do you want? There are so many “me themes” in this post I feel am being a narcissist myself.

Make or break moments………watch this space. We are in for one heck of a rollercoaster ride.

Feels totaly right now……

The story of my life is getting increasingly exciting as months pass by. I have just gone through the previous post that I had written and I am almost surprised to see that I have been able to achieve quite a bit of what I was skeptical about. They say the new year comes with new outlooks and new perspectives and from my point of view I agree. I was hoping and trying to motivate myself to get back to school to do my masters degree and it took immediate action upon spotting an Ad on the newspaper from the University of Nairobi requesting for applications for their MBA program. I had sort of given up on the fact that I would go back to school but Mr. Man has been super supportive of everything I have been putting my mind to of late. He got me off my butt and made sure that the day had not ended without me having gone to get the application form for the program. Now I am back to being a student for the next 2 or so years. I wonder how this will go…… I cant believe that after all this while I am going to be a student again. I am so excited yet so overly scared at the same time. School is never easy.

Besides that “Mr. Married man” and I are stronger than ever. I think my attraction to him is growing more intense by the day. we are now on our 8th month together and boy, am I having the time of my life. He has been amazing to me emotionally and to some extent materially as well. We are starting a business venture together for farming broilers on a piece of land that he owns but has been doing nothing with for over 3 years, a few changes with my acumen have been effected in his accounting firm, we have made solid and (hopefully) sustainable plans for the future together. I must admit at times I am still very very skeptical but slowly by slowly as time goes by I keep seeing an amazing side of him that I had always wished for in a man. My worries about the “co-wife” are almost non existent though I recognize with respect that she is still there and she is hte mother of his children and i would not do anything to change that. We still have not met, and i have stopped being anxious to meet her because I know eventually we shall meet. Though  had a bit of a drama segment with her sometime back when she contacted me on phone. I know she knows I exist and I am impacting mr. man’s life a huge deal but she is at peace with it for now. As long as we are respecting each others territory then things are quiet and peaceful.

My not blogging for a while has partly been because I have been kept so busy on my toes and I have been nurturing what mr. man and I have together, that I have not had time to go attention seeking all over, which I was particularly good at sometime back when I was idle. I know they say that if a guy truly loves you he will wait for you to live your dreams, and you know what? He is not only letting me live  my dreams, we are living some of them together hand in hand. Why lie, I am smitten. I was using the word “like” before, well it seems it changed to “love” a long time ago. A guy is letting me go to school, letting me run some of his affairs, letting me have a business of my own and before the end of this year, buying me a car to make it convenient to do all the above and still keep my head above water. I pray to God everyday to give us a long life together and to grow our love for each other day by day. I pray for his prosperity and mine as well and I pray for God’s peace upon the both of us. What more can be said over and above that.

So bad,…..but feels real good

Well as always most things that are bad for you feel so good. Just like fried chicken, will eventually kill you but tastes so irresistible. I am dating a married man and I love him with all my being and all that I am. I know many times when dating and in bliss, usually at the very initial stages, people feel like that love can never be broken. I may not know if it’s that puppy love stage but I do not think I have ever experienced anything like what I am going through now. Many times I get happy for a while then it fades. It’s now been 3 months and already there are so many hopes and aspirations of being together. I do not deny that I do foresee challenges and serious obstacles in our relationship especially because of the “married man” issue.As much as there are aspirations and hopes there are also fears and uncertainty that cannot be ignored. I have really been trying to deeply think about what I am doing to his wife and whether the ame could be done to me once life stops becoming a smooth ride and reality checks in. The same could also happen to me because lets face it, if he can do it once then he can do it again but this time to me. Sort of a same script different cast kind of story. Currently I have tried to ignore that but I cannot disregard it all together and I should not be blinded by other things so as to be caught unaware.

There have been talks of being introduced to the wife as a potential co wife. I would shudder at the idea of coming second to someone sometime back but I think as time goes by but with a lot of worry I am getting warmed up to the idea. As scary as it sounds I think I am so smitten to the point of considering that I could be with him and his wife and the 2 kids as one big relatively happy family. So far there has been a lot of talks and support for me to go back to school to do my masters which will give me enough time to reflect on what I want to do after the studies and how I shall prepare mentally and socially to introduce him to my family. I have met quite a few people in his family starting with his dad and cousins and uncles and a few of siblings. The kind of family he comes from does not seem to mind me being around. I even somehow get the feeling that they prefer to have me around than they do the Mrs.

You would ask what the story of his wife is. I do not know much about her other than what I am told and of course there is no way I can rely on a one-sided story but so far I know they got married 3 months after meeting when she discovered she was expecting their first child. Since he is not one to abandon his child he took her in as his wife. Well since it was a purely physical relationship the puppy love novelty fast ran out and he has cheated on her several times but they still remain together and were even blessed with another bundle of joy. He has 2 kids. He states that he is not fulfilled as he would want to be and was for a long time burdened with an emptiness and that is what he was attempting to fill when he sought me out. He says his wife is not very supportive of new projects that he wants to do and is also entirely dependent on him despite having her own vibrant business meant to bring in income to sustain daily subsistence. According to him she will call him at any moment to ask for petty cash to run the household and for small things like bread for breakfast and such other things that you would expect the lady to be caking care of. i would not want to negate his story full and neither do I support his justification of cheating but I am sort of stuck in a dilemma. I really like him he is the right guy in all the right ways for  me but there is this really big blotch that is both scary and exciting in an adventurous kind of way. How can doing something so bad to “madam co-wife” feel so good?

A lot’s happened since i have been away

Well well well where do I start? Since I have been gone and been silent I have had a chance to reflect, re-reflect and ponder upon what I really want in life. I wanted to make sure that I am no longer intolerant and so I opened up to the advances of one of the people who I never imagined I would ever be caught dead dating and guess what????? I gave regular petrol a try and my engine runs just fine. I have found an amazing guy who treats me like his queen and love me without bound.

Some guys may say that he is a bit of a shade but shady or not he has been able to set up a thriving accounting firm, cannot say he is a wanting man as he owns several prime properties all over, he is willing to jump over the moon for me and in turn I have reciprocated that amazing love that he has shown me.

I am in bliss. Not all roads are smooth and I will not deny there are always “buts” here and there. He is not perfect and I love him for his imperfection. He does not go through hoops to show me a person that he is not. On the contrary, he shows me his flaws that i may complement and supplement them. I would not change him for anything.

I met him a little under 2 months ago and we caught on like wild-fire. I know that is a short time but I am praying that we are able to sustain the spark that is clearly super bright.

Yesterday I moved houses. Partly because i am getting very serious and therefore I need a bigger more private space where I can feel less restricted by eyes watching my back all the time. The moving experience was not as harrowing and scary as it usually is as i had a lot of support from my bro his friend and my latest catch. I was able to do that with a lot of ease and now its a matter of getting settled in the new place.

Giving up!

Taking things for granted has always possibly been common nature with me. I almost got depressed yesterday when I discovered that one person who has always adored and admired me since time immemorial but whom I have never given time of day has finally moved on to greater things. The saying you never know what you have till its missing makes so much sense to me right now. I have always held that friendship in regard though I scoffed at the idea that it could go on to greater things much to the frustration of the other party. Now hard to get has sent him running. I am not sure he realizes it and I was even surprised myself when I felt green with envy seeing him with someone else. It was one of those friendship where you cannot have me but I will not let anyone else have you either. That moment felt so lonely a tear came to my eye.

Well I attended a wedding yesterday and the pastor made a very powerful sermon about the 4 stages of marriage which are: Dream, Drama, Discovery and Dance/Depth. He was very clear that the dream stage is where you are searching for the perfect guy and you have all these conceptions in your head about what your ideal partner could be and is at the time of dating and courtship. I think this is where I have been hitting snags. My expectations are possibly out of this world and that makes everyone look imperfect in my eyes. I will always either find fault in the person or in me and I will make excuses about why it is not possible for us to be together. I have always been a big dreamer. Now I give up, let come what come may, I am tired of wanting so much and getting nothing that I want. Now I have resigned my fate to “if it was meant to happen then it will happen”, otherwise, forget about it!

I will stop looking for signs, I will stop hoping for miracles, I resign my fate to remain alone. Funny how you can be surrounded by so many people yet feel totally isolated and alone. I sat in a room full of people yesterday who had so much to tell me and so much partying going around and I was running mad with fury. I kept asking myself why these people are so happy yet am finding it difficult to match that attitude and mood that filled the room.

A Woman’s sixth sense

Yesterday I made a post about having weird feelings about what I wanted and where my life with FN was headed. Well I think that was intuition at its best. The post prior to that one post talked of a “BUT”. Now this “BUT” has just brought my world crumbling down tonight. FN has had serious baggage making him very cautious about going into a relationship with a woman. The last few days he has not been calling everyday as has been the case in the past and I was beginning to worry and wonder what was going on and to some point questioning whether I had done something to push him away as is the case I mentioned in yesterday’s post.

Well today after about three days not counting the weekend I got a phone call from him. I was at my mom’s house waiting for my dad to arrive from the airport as there were issues to discuss about a party we are organizing for this coming weekend. The guy asks me if we can talk but I was seated with my mother so nothing much could be said and just then the doorbell ran as my dad arrived. So I finished off with what I had to say to old man and set off for the ten or so minute walk to my house. This was my chance to talk so I gave him a call back. Apparently the situation with his baggage is changing real soon. His estranged girlfriend who also happens to be the baby mama to his two sons has decided to move back to the United States and leave the children behind. Apparently she is not taking too kindly to their separation. Now A lot of things had run through my mind even before he told me what was going on because the tone he had put when wanting to talk to me was not the usual that you would naturally expect.

Now this is the situation as it has been. I always knew that dating this guy would come with a lot of pressure and issues given the situation. He is separated from this baby mama for a while now and there was an amicable program that he would follow regarding visitation and seeing his children and that had always been clear that the children came first. But I think I was stupid to believe that I was not getting feelings for this guy. The fact that we had become so close had crossed my mind several times but I think we both were assuming that the kids mother would always be there. Trust me the guy is not a bad guy coz already I am seeing questions as to why they had separated in the first place but truth be told the woman is the one who is psycho given there are 2 sides to every story. She kicked him out of his own house reason being she could not handle him and his family and since he could not abandon his family she abandoned him.

Anyway I digress. The thing is she has gone psycho before and left the children behind and this is what she plans on doing again. She has decided to up and leave. At the risk of sounding most selfish, the repercussions of this and I think what FN was trying to communicate with me on phone is that it will no longer be possible for us to see each other anymore. In not so many words he expressed his worry about him being away from home and his children now that their mother is no longer around. I offered my help but I guess that is the last thing he needs right now, someone emotionally tying themselves to him when he is trying to cope with the fact that he is now a single parent and has to begin acting like one.

So sorry to say I think I am out of a potential boyfriend and back to square one. He has out rightly pushed me away and am not sure whether to stick around and fight or move on to the next best thing that comes my way. Shit has hit the fan and I have nowhere to take cover. I must say I so saw it coming and I did not do a damn thing about it except whine about it here on this blog. I never had a back-up plan and I knew this would never work as much as I wanted it to. I talked of enjoying the moment while it lasted, well it lasted only one more night. 😦

Finding Perfection in Imperfection

What is it that we are really looking for in life? Is it comfort, is it love, is it wealth, is it satisfaction.

I have lately been thinking of the pressure that is mounting on me to be associated with someone. And I was reflecting upon what “being with someone” actually implies. You see to want to be with someone means that you are actually looking for something that this person is the only one who can actually give. Hence my opening question “what is it that we really seek?”

Every now and then I find myself in a sort of emotional roller coaster trying to reflect upon the kind of relationships that I have had and that I currently hold in my life. Recently I wrote a whole story of how happy and comfortable I was getting with one particular person trust me that has not changed much but often I find myself questioning my insecurities and actually looking for trouble where it does not exist. Not too long ago I was asking myself what my chances with this guy were according to my perceptions. Some part of me tells me he is way out of my league and so when I ask myself that question a list starts to form in my head of the reasons why it would never work for me and this guy. I wonder if this is something normal for everyone. I mean, this guy is perfect in so many ways yet the little imperfections that he may have seem to overshadow everything else.

A pal of mine who likes to joke around once told me that I am not getting a life partner because I am too choosy and refuse to believe that people have their own little faults that they cannot help but have as it is in their human nature to be flawed. So , could that be what I am doing here, looking for flaws to disqualify him as a potential partner of mine? who knows?

Talking of imperfections, I am one such being. I am in no way anywhere near perfect. Lets face it I am a nag, I like to whine,  have been told in more than one occasion of how unromantic I can be, I am not the easiest person to live with because I shall not tolerate little annoying habits yet I have thousands of my own that I would expect you to live with, I am overly expressive to the point of being offensive and to crown it all I try too hard. I just push people away by trying too hard and I feel that is currently happening to me.

When  I say I got something good going, I probably mean that I am rushing into a relationship that the other party is not prepared to be in. Take an example of overreacting to the point of tears when the other person misses an appointment (most of the time with good reason). I end up looking like a desperate maniac who wants to keep the other person on a short leash. This can very easily repulse the other person and I know I do it for sure. I have not been told that I do it, or have done it to someone, it’s just something that I feel by my own standards that I do. Or I rationalize it that way when someone I am in a relationship with starts to slowly withdraw from hanging out with me.

So this is basically me in one of my psychotic episodes, This is currently what is gnawing at my head and i just cannot seem to get round to an answer. If anything I am only discovering greater worries that I feel I should be having. Is there something wrong with me?

New Beginnings: Change is as good as rest

I was taking a moment to reflect on the last time that I sat down to write what I was thinking. It has been such a while that I had forgotten that I had even changed the theme colour of my blog. Anyway, it normally is a good sign when I do not blog a lot because it goes to show that I am heavily occupied in other things, hopefully these things are constructive.

Since August this year there has been something brewing between me and a certain young chap with the initials FN. I had really not mentioned it because I did not want to jump the gun as I normally do when it comes to relations with people of the opposite sex. My friendship to FN has been steadily growing into something somewhat meaningful and denying that there is something happening would be pointless. There are a lot of complications attached to openly going out there and saying that I am in a dating relationship with someone but not saying it either would be a fallacy. Have I confused you already? I know. I am confused as well. All I know is that his company is phenomenal. It has become routine to speak every single day in the morning to wish each other a good day and before bedtime to wish each other sweet dreams.

We call Wednesday conversation days and even without physically meeting we make a point of having a long phone conversation. We talk about anything and everything, from our dreams and ambitions, to our fears. The past couple of weeks has seen a shift in conversation day to movie day. Thanks to deals from Zetu, whom I believe are God-sent in making dating life cheaper, we have had and continue to have movie dates lined up. Maybe one day we shall take the holiday packages that are sometimes included in the deals, who knows?

I really like the fact that I am utterly comfortable with this guy to the point of even taking him to the local mutura joint, which he loves by the way. I try my best to make an effort to make sure that the appeal stays. I know taking someone to a mutura joint does not actually count in creating an appeal nor is it the best place to be together as a date, but this is one of those little things that we actually share and cherish and very few people understand how or why. Well, to say the least mutura is not the highlight of our bonding experiences.

He is all that I ever dreamed of and more but there is always a BUT. This BUT is what is making it impossible to rush into anything or declare our undying love for each other over the rooftops. Only time can clear this BUT and in the meantime we just have to make the best of what we have and enjoy it. I am being vague as reason for the BUT is quite personal to him and me as well and i would not want to cause ripples by starting to broadcast it on the web. All I can say I feel like I have a reason to hope again and God-willing things will work out for the best. This is my day and night prayer to the Almighty.

Besides my exciting love life, we have a new addition to the family. The first baby in our immediate family arrived on 14th November 2010. We are all beside ourselves with joy and excitement. I mean, I have been an aunty to many but never an aunt to someone this close in the family line. My brother and his wife are lucky people. My ol’ lady was the one they named the baby after and you can imagine what effect that had on her. Getting his first grandchild had always been something my ol’ man was anticipating and you could tell he had started getting anxious at one point when it seemed evident that my eldest brother was not to take up a spouse any time soon let alone siring children. So the arrival of baby Mugure was cause for an unplanned goat eating ceremony which we had last weekend.

I am pretty much excited as well. I spent a lot of time in the labour ward hand-holding my sis-in-law and that is an experience that warrants another post and so I will not get into that now. Two days after she was born I was still in awe and spent a serious amount of time just staring at her sleep, feed, yawn and just being cute as a button. She is truly a blessing and a gift to our family and I can bet you she will be super spoilt and doted upon by her aunty uncles and her grand parents indeed.

On the work front, I am really happy. So much so that my former colleagues claim am gaining weight. I am not sure that is a nice thing but I am glad that my work misery has been turned into radiance and general satisfaction. The pace of my work is picking up, there are new challenges and lessons everyday. Working from home is still an issue for me but the work is definitely fulfilling. I could not ask for more. All I can say is that I am in a happy place right now and I hope that things continue looking up and bright as they are right now.

Non issues that are issues

Of late I have been having these weird symptoms that all indicate that something is wrong and something is pre-occupying my mind but I had not been able to pin point it until recently when I was discussing with a friend what I am generally going through socially and I believe I can now tell what the hell is wrong with me.

The last one month or so has been a bit hard on me. I have been having serious insomnia, fatigue, depressive moment and a wandering mind. When I examine my work I was not able to find anything that would be stressing me. If anything, of late my work is the only thing that I have been enjoying doing and when I am seated at my desk its the only time I get to forget all other cares in the world and actually concentrate on doing something. So, the question was what the hell was disturbing me?

I have recently been heavily involved in a number of weddings here and there in the form of being in wedding committees or generally being an escort for my friends who are going for meet the parents tours. So far since I got back from Pakistan I have been involved in about 10 or so such marriage/wedding oriented activities.  I know I enjoy party type events and I am convinced that I have been very happy running around for people’s weddings attending, deciding what to wear in these occasions etc. But when I re-examine the whole situation I realized that maybe I am not so comfortable after all. Maybe I am putting undue strain on myself. maybe I am putting ideas that would not be there in the first place. I wonder……

J, my pal from Pakistan asked me the other day why I do not get depressed by attending all these weddings and my simple answer which comes very naturally these days, as if it has been rehearsed over and over, was that I c=actually do enjoy planning and organizing for events. This answer is very true!!! I do love planning for parties and events and reunions and get together. So much so till it seems like I am trying to compensate for something that is lacking. Or so I have started thinking. I examined that statement plus one more question that my father posed to me on Saturday morning when  had gone to get the car to go for once such event. He asked me: How comes you are ever attending other people’s weddings and ruracios(dowry negotiations)? That question to me was loaded. I know for a fact that my dad has expressed his wish to have me close to home for as long as he can and so I am sure why he left that question hanging is so that I do not start thinking of organizing a ruracio of my own. But even he has noticed that of late  have been attending a lot of these.

Ok so now comes my issue that is a non issue. I do enjoy going for all these social gigs especially now that my weekday social interactions are reduced to shouting greetings across the window to my landlady.  I am starting to feel that I should be dating or seeing someone with the aim of having it serious in the future. Note that I say in the future. I believe the future starts now and this is something though not in my initial personal goldtime, should have been there and I should put there. Every time I have to sit in solitude for long periods of time I feel an unreal emptiness that I cannot explain. This results in my lack of sleep or having too much of it. I was trying to examine a few people to see if I was the one who is thinking a bit too much of something that is not there but then again I realized that if it’s causing me such a discomfort them it must be an issue. The worst part of this issue is that I have been shrugging it off as something that should not be a bother to me. Every time i get asked a random question like those i put above I have ready answers and I am now beginning to doubt that i believe in those answers. Maybe I just say those things to either remain politically correct or to try convince myself that my time is not yet nigh.

This is my non issue. Am I going crazy? I need to know coz I have a wedding to attend every single weekend for the remainder of this month. Should I just take a break from it all?