Being a Libra insinuates having balance and not leaning too much to whatever extreme side life offers a blow or shove to.
That said, I reminisce back to a time when I fell in love so deeply my head spun. The balance to things started when my daughter was born and I had someone else to focus on other than the object of my affection at the time. When you look at weighing scales the more you load on one side the more the scale tips in favour of that side but when you start evenly loading on both sides of the scale then a balance is struck. I think my life scales became balanced when i stopped loading on to baldy’s side and started loading onto other facets of my life. Afterall its not like he was there to notice or do anything about it. When I started to dote on my daughter, opened my horizons to new people in my life and so on and so forth. However at the begining of last year the scales tipped over to the extreme side. I lost my job, I crashed my car, I kinda got involved with some shady people but I realised this right away and took corrective measure. I became a little more keen in putting checks on the company I keep and this I shielded myself through seeking spiritual refuge. I got another job almost immediately after finalising with the other one and of course settling has been a journey.
In the middle of all this turmoil, I came to some realizations that some choices I have made may not have been the best and I now have to live with uncertain consequences that cannot be quantified yet. One of these choices is baldy. As fast as my head spun when I was falling in love is as fast as its spinning as I fall out of it. I am kinda stuck in it for the long haul because no matter how much he and I do not get along, there is still that bond that is my ray of sunshine. He refuses to be a dead beat dad meaning that my efforts to move on shall always be punctuated by him making certain decisons that directly affect me and my daughter. There is also the fact that he refuses to realize that the spark just is not there anymore. Making me live a life of pretence of how awesome he is to me…not! I cannot jumpstart my moving on because in his head we are in bliss.
Something recent has happened. There is someone I initially would not have thought of twice, primarily because he is a colleague and secondly beacuse am a closeted tribalist and would not have imagined myself with someone from his community. However being closely paired on assignments both in and out of office has slowly been catching my attention. The pairing gives us time to share and talk and interact. Mind you this is a very eligible bachelor…no girlfriend(yet) and not married. Beautiful intelligent soul. Yes, i agree, thats the narrative of someone getting a serious crush. I find myself going mellow and giggly at his compliments and even touch, however rare that is.
Now the mother of all news comes. When baldy and I were fighting bitterly and at some point i had even told him I was done with him in early October, this guy lets call him Vin Diesel (yes I kid you not), was ever present, ever there and we happened to be paired on an out of town assignment. It was a day trip to Nakuru. Well our jest and normal conversation went on in the car and he would occassionally tease me on how much of a man he is given to demonstrate. There was a lot of inuendo in our conversation that day, given that we were chauffeur driven and he may not have wanted to be direct in presence of others. When coming back that evening is when hearts were opened. He moved to the back to sit with me….rather lay with me on the back sit…..opened his heart as to how confused he is as he feels like he is getting feelings for me. I dont know how you would feel when someone you are crushing on tells you he likes you too.
So the dilema,……..Vin diesel was categorical that he doesnt date anyone without the intention of being serious with a possibility of leading to marriage and given that I have someone in the picture already that presents a problem. He mentioned that there is a girl he had been pursuing for the last 6 months who would not give him time of day and he had almost given up. That said….of course we cannot be together, yet after this heartfelt disclosures on both our parts we still ended up making out on that back seat.
Scales are again tipping. There are 50 thousand reasons I can think of making this sooooooo wrong but I see or think vin diesel and my heart leaps into my wet loins, I see baldy on the other hand and it takes 45 minutes to fan the fires down there and 2 minutes for him to finish himself off on me. So nothing beyond making out has happened with vin diesel (not that i dont want it to) and I cannot allow for it to happen but as you can see there are no opportunities I can exploit for myself without having to think of how it will affect baldy. I just cannot move on if am stuck at baldy. This is the 2nd opportunity that is presenting itself and there might be a few more. So the question is….am i limiting myself or am I tipping the natural balance and order of things? Darius stone….tell me via side bar.
Angel and Imp 