Signs or Coincidences

So I recently got an opportunity to visit South Africa’s economic hub of Johannesburg through a work related training program, and I took this as an opportune time to meet up with a very long lost friend MS. MS wrote the poem rebellion that has been on this blog since inception.

My schedule was crazy tight and I could only see her a few hours on 2 of the days that I was there, but I was glad to have the opportunity to meet up and share and talk and generally catch up on what we have both been doing over the last 10years.

Reflecting back is very important! I realize how much I have grown up over the years and how much I have changed in regards to what is important in life vs what’s not. The conversation began a bit strained …….in both our defense, it’s been 10 freaking years…..but soon enough over a glass of red wine, conversation found its way home. The conversation kept on coming back to the quirky habits we have developed on account of being mothers.

Life now revolves around our children, which is a good thing. Men on the other hand, I realized I have hit a snag. And am in that period where am trying to figure out whether or not it makes sense to carrying along someone who is taking a huge toll on your mental and emotional well being. MS shared on how much clarity she got when she decided enough was enough and chose to go at it alone. How the struggle and conflict within her just came to an end.

I got to thinking about myself. Where am I? When will I get the clarity I seek? When will I get the balls to seize my moment?… Then just like that out of the blue am back to Nairobi and I get a phone call from IK who has not been in touch in like forever and he goes like, ” I am just checking up on you”…….just at that moment when am on the phone with baldy arguing about Lord knows what. IK aka Darius Stone always brings me back to reality…… I cannot continue getting these epiphanies and do nothing about them………It’s time to get to the drawing board. Choices that have been avoided a while.

 

 

 

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My Release 😁😁

Sometimes I think am sniffing carpets and  some other illegals. Am not sure my thought train is one of a normal person. Either that or am so normal and everyone else around me is pretending.

I read back at events that have shaped my recent path and conclude that often than not I direct myself to paths of self destruction. Have you ever seen or heard of something you have done or said that makes you ask yourself “what the hell was I thinking?” I notice those “what the f)&@” moments always present themselves when am going through some kind of personal crisis or turmoil.

So for a long time there my turmoil was not documented and not that I was not experiencing problems, it’s just that I was too lazy to document stuff and so the crises would consume me. Writing is an actual release for me. When I write I can go back and read the stuff I write and identify the errors of my ways and generally put my problems into perspective. Writing, to me, is therapy. I do not have to speak to anyone about my issues yet I get over them easy once I pour them out. Writing has been a release for me ever since the days of being timed to write compositions in primary school. I find the saying that a problem shared is a problem half solved making so much sense when I share with a platform that will not talk back at me with judgement or talk behind me in gossip. In writing I am talking to myself, am organizing my thoughts and that is why my writings are scattered in thought sometimes because I am expressing my thought process exactly as it’s being churned out of my head.

When reading back I can afford to smile and/or laugh at myself for crazy carpet sniffing escapades like the recent case of making out with Vin Diesel. I can afford to question my sanity like the general state of my relationship with baldy.

I guess what am trying to say is. I had missed writing and hope that I continue writing to help someone out there who is wondering the same thing as me…..”am I normal? Or do weird things just happen to me?”

 

 

Yeah, so what??

These days writing has become such the task! That said, life seems to deal curve balls when least expected. If you would have asked me 4 years ago where I thought I would be today, I probably would have given you a very stupid love struck answer. I know so because I have gone back to some of the posts I did a while back and I have concluded that I must have been sniffing carpet glue as my good friend Migosi Odumbe likes to put it.

Why so? Well, I have come to learn some invaluable lessons out of the experiences I have gone through since then. I have loved with all my being, I have fallen out of love with all my being and am now learning to rebuild broken love (Though am not sure broken love is possible to rebuild). I am learning a different kind of Love I never fathomed existed. I am having to unlearn all I thought I knew and re-learn all about interpersonal relationships and where each piece fits within the puzzle that is this journey. I think now I understand how people live as husband and wife for years and still finding the strength and energy to be there for each other.

A lot has happened since I have been away. Baby girl is now mummy’s big girl going to school and stubbornly independent yet so dependent. That girl has a personality the size of a mountain and there is never a dull moment with her. With that said, baldy has been trying to reclaim his assertion in the mix of things.

The fights, the narcism, the falling out, the broken trust, the uncertainty, the cheating name it and I can tell you for sure I have been there, I have done that. Something is beginning to change though. On my part, I chose to build a wall, I chose not to be shattered by people who do not deserve my tears blood or sweat. I barricaded the heart and so even when for baldy things seem to be looking up, I feel completely numb. The body is present but the mind and soul are on other pressing concerns like my and my daughter’s well being and future. Sometimes I sit to think and my mind is just blank. I let go! I let go of the drama, I let go of mind games, I live for the moment, tomorrow will take care of itself coz God has it in His hands.

I am in touch with my spirituality and am studying matters spiritual. Do not get me wrong. Am not a fire breathing Bible wielding fanatic or anything like that. I have just discovered that in the company of christians I need not worry too much about pleasing people. I am an island as they do not know much about my past nor my present. It’s completely neutral ground.

I mentioned rediscovering a new type of love. I think this is the neutral kind that tolerates some things I used to go absolutely bonkers about. It could be that I have developed an ” I don’t care if you live or die” attitude with baldy that whatever he does to solicit a reaction from me, it just doesn’t matter anymore. I do not hate the guy and many times I even enjoy his company when he’s not being a  whiny bitch. It’s got to the “kuzoeana” point of “whatever…….do what you please but don’t involve me in it.” So this new love is one of acknowledging that no matter how much I pull out hairs from my head trying to change you, am the one ending up suffering and so I leave you it. Just live and let live. That’s the new mantra.

God am struggling to finish this post……….I think the bottomline of this post is am finally feeling like am off the crazy rollercoaster I was riding. I have felt exhilarated, I have thrown up my guts and now am simply ready to get off the roller coaster.

 

Tipping scales

Being a Libra insinuates having balance and not leaning too much to whatever extreme side life offers a blow or shove to.

That said, I reminisce back to a time when I fell in love so deeply my head spun. The balance to things started when my daughter was born and I had someone else to focus on other than the object of my affection at the time. When you look at weighing scales the more you load on one side the more the scale tips in favour of that side but when you start evenly loading on both sides of the scale then a balance is struck. I think my life scales became balanced when i stopped loading on to baldy’s side and started loading onto other facets of my life. Afterall its not like he was there to notice or do anything about it. When I started to dote on my daughter, opened my horizons to new people in my life and so on and so forth. However at the begining of last year the scales tipped over to the extreme side. I lost my job, I crashed my car, I kinda got involved with some shady people but I realised this right away and took corrective measure. I became a little more keen in putting checks on the company I keep and this I shielded myself through seeking spiritual refuge. I got another job almost immediately after finalising with the other one and of course settling has been a journey.

In the middle of all this turmoil, I came to some realizations that some choices I have made may not have been the best and I now have to live with uncertain consequences that cannot be quantified yet. One of these choices is baldy. As fast as my head spun when I was falling in love is as fast as its spinning as I fall out of it. I am kinda stuck in it for the long haul because no matter how much he and I do not get along, there is still that bond that is my ray of sunshine. He refuses to be a dead beat dad meaning that my efforts to move on shall always be punctuated by him making certain decisons that directly affect me and my daughter. There is also the fact that he refuses to realize that the spark just is not there anymore. Making me live a life of pretence of how awesome he is to me…not! I cannot jumpstart my moving on because in his head we are in bliss.

Something recent has happened. There is someone I initially would not have thought of twice, primarily because he is a colleague and secondly beacuse am a closeted tribalist and would not have imagined myself with someone from his community. However being closely paired on assignments both in and out of office has slowly been catching my attention. The pairing gives us time to share and talk and interact. Mind you this is a very eligible bachelor…no girlfriend(yet) and not married. Beautiful intelligent soul. Yes, i agree, thats the narrative of someone getting a serious crush. I find myself going mellow and giggly at his compliments and even touch, however rare that is.

Now the mother of all news comes. When baldy and I were fighting bitterly and at some point i had even told him I was done with him in early October, this guy lets call him Vin Diesel (yes I kid you not), was ever present, ever there and we happened to be paired on an out of town assignment. It was a day trip to Nakuru. Well our jest and normal conversation went on in the car and he would occassionally tease me on how much of a man he is given  to demonstrate. There was a lot of inuendo in our conversation that day, given that we were chauffeur driven and he may not have wanted to be direct in presence of others. When coming back that evening is when hearts were opened. He moved to the back to sit with me….rather lay with me on the back sit…..opened his heart as to how confused he is as he feels like he is getting feelings for me. I dont know how you would feel when someone you are crushing on tells you he likes you too.

So the dilema,……..Vin diesel was categorical that he doesnt date anyone without the intention of being serious with a possibility of leading to marriage and given that I have someone in the picture already that presents a problem. He mentioned that there is a girl he had been pursuing for the last 6 months who would not give him time of day and he had almost given up. That said….of course we cannot be together, yet after this heartfelt disclosures on both our parts we still ended up making out on that back seat.

Scales are again tipping. There are 50 thousand reasons I can think of making this sooooooo wrong but I see or think vin diesel and my heart leaps into my wet loins, I see baldy on the other hand and it takes 45 minutes to fan the fires down there and 2 minutes for him to finish himself off on me. So nothing beyond making out has happened with vin diesel (not that i dont want it to) and I cannot allow for it to happen but as you can see there are no opportunities I can exploit for myself without having to think of how it will affect baldy. I just cannot move on if am stuck at baldy. This is the 2nd opportunity that is presenting itself and there might be a few more. So the question is….am i limiting myself or am I tipping the natural balance and order of things? Darius stone….tell me via side bar.

Watching and waiting

So, timelines were set and decisions were put on  hold to give just one more chance to baldy to get his freaking together. That said I see no bloody progress towards the goals that were set. So i ask myself……..am I being taken for another ride? Is he just buying time as he has accustomed  himself to? For how long will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Is this really what I deserve? Misery, doubt, second guessing myself? Really cant I do better than this?

I have heard it all: At first I was told that the kids were the problem  everything would be alright as soon as they went to boarding school. The moment those kids went to boarding school the wife  came into play. Determined than ever she successfully managed  to alienate him from previous buddies and orient him to the Rongai crew. All the while thinking to himself that alcoblow had confined him to Rongai. Arent women schemers?

Soon after that the case of the dead mother’s curse surfaced. I was told to my face that since the mother cursed our union we shall never  together. Never ever. There was such finality to that statement that I was left disollusioned. Keep in mind that his new found crew became the perennial excuse for everything. If i wanted  see him or we planned to meet he would tell me how these people were the only ones who supported him during the difficult time of his moms death. I always wonder where the rest of were and what roles we played during that time. If I was not considered to have supported in anyway does that mean he does not even consider me part of the family that was also bereaved. So if am not family and am not a friend who can support him in difficult times then what the hell am  I to him?

So I happen  know that the wife knows of my daughter and I. However, the story am told is that he is waiting for an “ideal” time to tell the wife of his intentions for us. So again my life has been put on hold for him and his wife to determine the course it will take. He keeps telling me that it’s all about us but its clear that it’s all about his wife, his children (excluding mine), his friends, his image, his ego and his sexual  perversions. Funny thing is that my mind in  the turmoil its in right now has instructed my body   not to respond  his advances.

No more mister nice guy. Ultimatum is on  the table “my way or the highway”. We wait for Feb 18 2017. Deadline for all this to be over.

A little too hot….

Who ever knew that growing up would be such hard work? I never imagined at any given point that I would be having to think of other people before me…..a selfish statement you might think but am coming to the realisation that it has always been about me and not anyone else. My happiness and peace is my responsibility and no one else. If you give an inch the world will want to take a mile.

That said,  I was not long ago out there dipping toes in basins and swimming pools and toying with ideas of swimming in the big oceans. The water, turns out, was a bit too hot for my liking. Better the devil you know than the angel with big talk. There was no transition from baldy to gappy. Gappy ended up having bigger problems than I did. We are all not happy people we just choose to be happy. I have chosen to get off my big butt and change my situations.

I did not like how much power and sacrifice I had given the other woman’s husband. I was stifled…..choked…I had lost all free will and my fate was in the hands of baldy. So I got wandering eyes….I started looking for hot prospective pools to get refuge from. Turns out these pools were too hot to handle. However that realisation also gave me courage to get my shit straight. I decided to start afresh. What clean slate to start from than to let go of my past? Both immediate past and long past. So I told gappy that it would not work but the thought was overly exhilirating and that left me with badly to boot……..that horse did not go down easy. I declared, we are done!

It was a Sunday afternoon my plans were to go to the market then meet a friend and go home. But as usual my plans are never really my own…………he called and summoned me to the club where he was going for a massage after a hiking trip the previous day. So I go and spend half the afternoon just seated on a chair on my own as I waited for his massage to be over. It was good time for me to reflect on what the hell I was doing with my life at that moment there on my own. So when he appeared, I had made up my mind that this is not what I wanted for my life and so I told him its over between us and I no longer wanted this life.

A dying man will clutch at straws……….why had I not done this before? Since he does not want to let go, he has now been forced to comply with my demands………or has he just bought more time? Only time will tell. “Demands”……are they really? I think not. They are not demands they are just normal protocol on how to treat a lady you claim you love. If you like it……..CROWN IT!

Am starting the next phase of my life and its quite on the fence right now. If I cannot get what I want from baldy am not giving this life a second glance. I will stick to my guns and my timelines. Its decided am moving up and on. Dare to take a ride with me?

 

Dipping the toe

I bitched…..I lamented…….I cursed my situation. I hated being single and I made that clear right here on this blog. I was lonely I did not know how my life would turn out. Then I found someone, a forbidden fruit, another woman’s man. I fell fast, my world was suddenly turned upside down, my head spun round and round because I found myself in an impossible situation. It was thrilling, the highs were real highs and the lows were not that bad, they were manageable, afterall I was in love.

Then the tides begun to shift…….according to this other woman’s husband, I belonged to him to do as he pleased. “Were you not the one who was lonely? I now “forbid” you from being lonely by virtue that I am here! And not only that, but I am gonna make sure that as I go home to my wife every evening you will be left back wishing I was right there next to you and NO ONE ELSE!”

Who is to say that I have never really been happy. I had been quite happy before the monster within started feeling constrained and started rearing his ugly head. This monster may have first shown his ugly head when I was already expecting my sunshine daughter. There were quite some unusual habits that I noticed but chose to ignore. Besides this other woman’s husband did say he loved me. Constantly and repeatedly…..

But wait a minute…….”baby am sacrificing a lot to be with you.” Did I ask this of you? Did I seek you out? What is it you are sacrificing that I haven’t already sacrificed for you. Freedom, free will, pertinent relationships with my own family, etc. etc. What makes you think your sacrifices are greater than mine? Then came the utterly shocking misperformance in bed. Ala! What has happened? You suddenly cannot hold it for 2 thrusts. What is this? am I stuck with bad coitus for the rest o my life?

I dont think so! Something has to be done and fast……….if I cannot get attention, I cannot get security, I cannot get emotional support, why not save a little bit of ‘life’ for myself? I found my eye wandering and wishing and longing. I dipped my toe in. He’s not anyones husband, he’s kind, he’s free and willing to mingle and he likes me. However, I promised myself never to judge how someone feels about me from what he tells me because this is what got me in this mess in the first place. All I know is that my awareness of better things out there is at an all time high alert. There maybe the impending hammer over my head from someone’s husband but 100% of the shots we don’t take never hit the mark, so, watch this space……transition from baldy to gappy. Very slow, calculated and deliberate because once bitten, twice shy!

 

 

Self doubt: Life’s a bitch!!

Ok I open my old comments section and I see a comment that says I should get back to blogging even if “all is fine”. This was a comment from 2012. So I reflect……Is all really fine? Do we live a life where we see what we want to see as opposed to whats reality?

The evolution that has taken place since I was last active on the blogsphere has been overwhelmingly perplexing. It has been a roller coaster of moderate highs and moderate lows but also extreme highs and extreme lows. Learning to readjust one’s life to accomodate ideas of having someone in your life on one hand and not having that same person. Having to balance singlehood and “marriage” like the bubble on the mason’s spirit level. The bubble quite often tips in one direction or the other. Sometimes I have found myself so devoted to baldy to a point of loosing my self and my free will to him. Sometimes I find myself turning to the extreme opposite to the point of loosing myself again in preoccupation of myself.

Am never certain of what I wabeenr don’t want. Never sure if a decision I make is the right one or it will burn my bridges. Its a freaking mess with me! I need my free will back. Problem is that I know exactly where my problem is but trying to solve it seems like a bigger evil as it would create uncertainity. Are these the problems ‘they’ once said that grown ups have to grapple with? I don’t want to be a grown up any more. Why can’t I just go back to being daddy’s little girl and all my life’s worries would be someone else’s business?

I have gone places, met new people, reacquiainted myself with old ones, explored different careers, I have been scorned by people, I have been recognised by others, I have been through hell and back. But what does all this mean to me right now? Am I a better person than I was? Would I rather have remained inexposed and naive? After all is said and done I remain………more confused than I ever was!

Like a fine wine……

Like a fine wine, people do grow up and into new beautiful beings or sometimes tortured souls. Either way whatever you grow into ends up defining what you value most in life.

Our experiences teach and torture us alike. I was trying to scheme through this blog that I have not touched in the longest time and some of the stronger themes that came up are that I value relationships and these same valued relationships have ended up being sources of great dissolutionment and dissapointment. But there are some relationships that I have grown into that have been a great sense of satisfaction and fulfilment and it is a choice I have to make as to what side I choose to tip my life scales with.

One such relationship that was exciting and adrenaline pumping for the last few years seems to be slowly evolving into a pit of mistrust, disrespect and endless agony. But then again the seemingly strained relationship has brought forth another relationship so pure, so loving, so amazing. The love and bond between a mother and a daughter.

Purpose for life has taken on a whole new meaning. There is a reason to work, there is a reason to breathe, there is a reason to be proud, no matter how this relationship came about. It may not have been kosher in the eyes of critics but its here now….to stay!

The day I laid eyes on my daughter every dynamic and paradigm shifted for me. I vividly saw the reason I was created a woman. It has been a roller coaster ride and the highs totally outdo the lows in the journey of the last two years. She has a personality of gold: strong, bright, high value and more so malleable ready for the world. Her smile melts all agony that any other person or circumstance brings my way.

I never realised this and for a while I put my job before her, at times, until that fleeting job suddenly became no more and the choice I was but left with was to go home to my obligations. She has taught me to live and that after all is said and done she is the one I will have left when all other passes. I love Nashipae she has truly brought happiness as her name suggests.

 

 

 

 

When “Normal” comes knocking

Well I have never been a sucker for the ordinary…… that said, I feel life is too ordinary now. Its a John smith type of a life where everything is average and normal. I wake up in the morning do my usual commute to work, do lunch in the same old joint and probably order same old thing from the menu, leave work go to school have dinner go to bed. Routine day in day out. Weekends are characterized by the usual go to school on Saturday morning spend the rest of the day bumming about or at the construction development at Kitengela watching fundis do their thing. It can get any more normal than this.

Sometimes I reminisce about the good ‘ol days when there was something exciting happening every weekend. I had time to do coffee with friends or go out for a drink just for the sake of it. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining just that I now think I understand as you grow older you grow more boring. I kinda feel where my parents are coming from with wanting to be at home all the time. When I was growing up my old man always asked me where it was that I would always go instead of spending time with them and I would always respond that I have friends that i am going to meet. Honestly, I still have the friends that I had but everyone has suddenly become so busy and inaccessible that you just end up resigning to the fact that you life has become boring.

All in all, the Masters I started in January is coming along well I am now on my second last semester of coursework meaning if all goes well I might just have a chance to finish and graduate by the close of next year. But I am getting really burnt out from it. I have lost the zeal I had when I began the course. I am feeling utterly frustrated at the thought of going to school I am really hoping for some inner strength to help me through this thing. I am sort of feeling isolated and detached from whats going on in the world and i often wonder when I am done what i shall do with all that free time I shall be having. No wonder people get married and start breeding children soon after school, to kill the boredom from all the free time that is available to them.

My loving Baldy also took the bold step and started attending evening classes as well at CUEA. I think he had too much time in his hands now that I am no longer as available and around as I was before I started school. He has been amazing and really supportive of my being at school though I must admit i really miss the escapades we would have before I got too busy. The last time we were out of town we could not even go far it had to be for only one night really close by at Murang’a. We got to sample the new 4 star hotel, Nokras. It wasn’t too bad but i still think there is a lot of room for improvement. I think the owner of this hotel went on a shopping frenzy in China. Every last item and fixture of that hotel is from china, from the bathroom doors to the salt shakers, everything just screams China! I do not recommend the black forest cake. I am not sure if too many people order it so it was stale and the “freshly squeezed” juice was over diluted. The TV in the room was only showing half screen, the other half of the screen was spoilt which was a disappointment given that everything looks so new. But everything else seemed ok. The staff really tried their best to  keep us as comfortable as possible and the bathrooms had condiments specially made for the hotel, that was a plus.

Today I went for a job interview in an Insurance company. I think its about time I had a change in career. All this studying should at least yield some form of benefit for me. It was just the preliminary elimination process which I hope to sail through before getting to the tougher ones where I really have to prove myself. These are such “normal” worries…….where did the oomph go to, I wonder?

 

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