Tipping scales

Being a Libra insinuates having balance and not leaning too much to whatever extreme side life offers a blow or shove to.

That said, I reminisce back to a time when I fell in love so deeply my head spun. The balance to things started when my daughter was born and I had someone else to focus on other than the object of my affection at the time. When you look at weighing scales the more you load on one side the more the scale tips in favour of that side but when you start evenly loading on both sides of the scale then a balance is struck. I think my life scales became balanced when i stopped loading on to baldy’s side and started loading onto other facets of my life. Afterall its not like he was there to notice or do anything about it. When I started to dote on my daughter, opened my horizons to new people in my life and so on and so forth. However at the begining of last year the scales tipped over to the extreme side. I lost my job, I crashed my car, I kinda got involved with some shady people but I realised this right away and took corrective measure. I became a little more keen in putting checks on the company I keep and this I shielded myself through seeking spiritual refuge. I got another job almost immediately after finalising with the other one and of course settling has been a journey.

In the middle of all this turmoil, I came to some realizations that some choices I have made may not have been the best and I now have to live with uncertain consequences that cannot be quantified yet. One of these choices is baldy. As fast as my head spun when I was falling in love is as fast as its spinning as I fall out of it. I am kinda stuck in it for the long haul because no matter how much he and I do not get along, there is still that bond that is my ray of sunshine. He refuses to be a dead beat dad meaning that my efforts to move on shall always be punctuated by him making certain decisons that directly affect me and my daughter. There is also the fact that he refuses to realize that the spark just is not there anymore. Making me live a life of pretence of how awesome he is to me…not! I cannot jumpstart my moving on because in his head we are in bliss.

Something recent has happened. There is someone I initially would not have thought of twice, primarily because he is a colleague and secondly beacuse am a closeted tribalist and would not have imagined myself with someone from his community. However being closely paired on assignments both in and out of office has slowly been catching my attention. The pairing gives us time to share and talk and interact. Mind you this is a very eligible bachelor…no girlfriend(yet) and not married. Beautiful intelligent soul. Yes, i agree, thats the narrative of someone getting a serious crush. I find myself going mellow and giggly at his compliments and even touch, however rare that is.

Now the mother of all news comes. When baldy and I were fighting bitterly and at some point i had even told him I was done with him in early October, this guy lets call him Vin Diesel (yes I kid you not), was ever present, ever there and we happened to be paired on an out of town assignment. It was a day trip to Nakuru. Well our jest and normal conversation went on in the car and he would occassionally tease me on how much of a man he is given  to demonstrate. There was a lot of inuendo in our conversation that day, given that we were chauffeur driven and he may not have wanted to be direct in presence of others. When coming back that evening is when hearts were opened. He moved to the back to sit with me….rather lay with me on the back sit…..opened his heart as to how confused he is as he feels like he is getting feelings for me. I dont know how you would feel when someone you are crushing on tells you he likes you too.

So the dilema,……..Vin diesel was categorical that he doesnt date anyone without the intention of being serious with a possibility of leading to marriage and given that I have someone in the picture already that presents a problem. He mentioned that there is a girl he had been pursuing for the last 6 months who would not give him time of day and he had almost given up. That said….of course we cannot be together, yet after this heartfelt disclosures on both our parts we still ended up making out on that back seat.

Scales are again tipping. There are 50 thousand reasons I can think of making this sooooooo wrong but I see or think vin diesel and my heart leaps into my wet loins, I see baldy on the other hand and it takes 45 minutes to fan the fires down there and 2 minutes for him to finish himself off on me. So nothing beyond making out has happened with vin diesel (not that i dont want it to) and I cannot allow for it to happen but as you can see there are no opportunities I can exploit for myself without having to think of how it will affect baldy. I just cannot move on if am stuck at baldy. This is the 2nd opportunity that is presenting itself and there might be a few more. So the question is….am i limiting myself or am I tipping the natural balance and order of things? Darius stone….tell me via side bar.

Watching and waiting

So, timelines were set and decisions were put on  hold to give just one more chance to baldy to get his freaking together. That said I see no bloody progress towards the goals that were set. So i ask myself……..am I being taken for another ride? Is he just buying time as he has accustomed  himself to? For how long will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Is this really what I deserve? Misery, doubt, second guessing myself? Really cant I do better than this?

I have heard it all: At first I was told that the kids were the problem  everything would be alright as soon as they went to boarding school. The moment those kids went to boarding school the wife  came into play. Determined than ever she successfully managed  to alienate him from previous buddies and orient him to the Rongai crew. All the while thinking to himself that alcoblow had confined him to Rongai. Arent women schemers?

Soon after that the case of the dead mother’s curse surfaced. I was told to my face that since the mother cursed our union we shall never  together. Never ever. There was such finality to that statement that I was left disollusioned. Keep in mind that his new found crew became the perennial excuse for everything. If i wanted  see him or we planned to meet he would tell me how these people were the only ones who supported him during the difficult time of his moms death. I always wonder where the rest of were and what roles we played during that time. If I was not considered to have supported in anyway does that mean he does not even consider me part of the family that was also bereaved. So if am not family and am not a friend who can support him in difficult times then what the hell am  I to him?

So I happen  know that the wife knows of my daughter and I. However, the story am told is that he is waiting for an “ideal” time to tell the wife of his intentions for us. So again my life has been put on hold for him and his wife to determine the course it will take. He keeps telling me that it’s all about us but its clear that it’s all about his wife, his children (excluding mine), his friends, his image, his ego and his sexual  perversions. Funny thing is that my mind in  the turmoil its in right now has instructed my body   not to respond  his advances.

No more mister nice guy. Ultimatum is on  the table “my way or the highway”. We wait for Feb 18 2017. Deadline for all this to be over.

A little too hot….

Who ever knew that growing up would be such hard work? I never imagined at any given point that I would be having to think of other people before me…..a selfish statement you might think but am coming to the realisation that it has always been about me and not anyone else. My happiness and peace is my responsibility and no one else. If you give an inch the world will want to take a mile.

That said,  I was not long ago out there dipping toes in basins and swimming pools and toying with ideas of swimming in the big oceans. The water, turns out, was a bit too hot for my liking. Better the devil you know than the angel with big talk. There was no transition from baldy to gappy. Gappy ended up having bigger problems than I did. We are all not happy people we just choose to be happy. I have chosen to get off my big butt and change my situations.

I did not like how much power and sacrifice I had given the other woman’s husband. I was stifled…..choked…I had lost all free will and my fate was in the hands of baldy. So I got wandering eyes….I started looking for hot prospective pools to get refuge from. Turns out these pools were too hot to handle. However that realisation also gave me courage to get my shit straight. I decided to start afresh. What clean slate to start from than to let go of my past? Both immediate past and long past. So I told gappy that it would not work but the thought was overly exhilirating and that left me with badly to boot……..that horse did not go down easy. I declared, we are done!

It was a Sunday afternoon my plans were to go to the market then meet a friend and go home. But as usual my plans are never really my own…………he called and summoned me to the club where he was going for a massage after a hiking trip the previous day. So I go and spend half the afternoon just seated on a chair on my own as I waited for his massage to be over. It was good time for me to reflect on what the hell I was doing with my life at that moment there on my own. So when he appeared, I had made up my mind that this is not what I wanted for my life and so I told him its over between us and I no longer wanted this life.

A dying man will clutch at straws……….why had I not done this before? Since he does not want to let go, he has now been forced to comply with my demands………or has he just bought more time? Only time will tell. “Demands”……are they really? I think not. They are not demands they are just normal protocol on how to treat a lady you claim you love. If you like it……..CROWN IT!

Am starting the next phase of my life and its quite on the fence right now. If I cannot get what I want from baldy am not giving this life a second glance. I will stick to my guns and my timelines. Its decided am moving up and on. Dare to take a ride with me?

 

Dipping the toe

I bitched…..I lamented…….I cursed my situation. I hated being single and I made that clear right here on this blog. I was lonely I did not know how my life would turn out. Then I found someone, a forbidden fruit, another woman’s man. I fell fast, my world was suddenly turned upside down, my head spun round and round because I found myself in an impossible situation. It was thrilling, the highs were real highs and the lows were not that bad, they were manageable, afterall I was in love.

Then the tides begun to shift…….according to this other woman’s husband, I belonged to him to do as he pleased. “Were you not the one who was lonely? I now “forbid” you from being lonely by virtue that I am here! And not only that, but I am gonna make sure that as I go home to my wife every evening you will be left back wishing I was right there next to you and NO ONE ELSE!”

Who is to say that I have never really been happy. I had been quite happy before the monster within started feeling constrained and started rearing his ugly head. This monster may have first shown his ugly head when I was already expecting my sunshine daughter. There were quite some unusual habits that I noticed but chose to ignore. Besides this other woman’s husband did say he loved me. Constantly and repeatedly…..

But wait a minute…….”baby am sacrificing a lot to be with you.” Did I ask this of you? Did I seek you out? What is it you are sacrificing that I haven’t already sacrificed for you. Freedom, free will, pertinent relationships with my own family, etc. etc. What makes you think your sacrifices are greater than mine? Then came the utterly shocking misperformance in bed. Ala! What has happened? You suddenly cannot hold it for 2 thrusts. What is this? am I stuck with bad coitus for the rest o my life?

I dont think so! Something has to be done and fast……….if I cannot get attention, I cannot get security, I cannot get emotional support, why not save a little bit of ‘life’ for myself? I found my eye wandering and wishing and longing. I dipped my toe in. He’s not anyones husband, he’s kind, he’s free and willing to mingle and he likes me. However, I promised myself never to judge how someone feels about me from what he tells me because this is what got me in this mess in the first place. All I know is that my awareness of better things out there is at an all time high alert. There maybe the impending hammer over my head from someone’s husband but 100% of the shots we don’t take never hit the mark, so, watch this space……transition from baldy to gappy. Very slow, calculated and deliberate because once bitten, twice shy!

 

 

Self doubt: Life’s a bitch!!

Ok I open my old comments section and I see a comment that says I should get back to blogging even if “all is fine”. This was a comment from 2012. So I reflect……Is all really fine? Do we live a life where we see what we want to see as opposed to whats reality?

The evolution that has taken place since I was last active on the blogsphere has been overwhelmingly perplexing. It has been a roller coaster of moderate highs and moderate lows but also extreme highs and extreme lows. Learning to readjust one’s life to accomodate ideas of having someone in your life on one hand and not having that same person. Having to balance singlehood and “marriage” like the bubble on the mason’s spirit level. The bubble quite often tips in one direction or the other. Sometimes I have found myself so devoted to baldy to a point of loosing my self and my free will to him. Sometimes I find myself turning to the extreme opposite to the point of loosing myself again in preoccupation of myself.

Am never certain of what I wabeenr don’t want. Never sure if a decision I make is the right one or it will burn my bridges. Its a freaking mess with me! I need my free will back. Problem is that I know exactly where my problem is but trying to solve it seems like a bigger evil as it would create uncertainity. Are these the problems ‘they’ once said that grown ups have to grapple with? I don’t want to be a grown up any more. Why can’t I just go back to being daddy’s little girl and all my life’s worries would be someone else’s business?

I have gone places, met new people, reacquiainted myself with old ones, explored different careers, I have been scorned by people, I have been recognised by others, I have been through hell and back. But what does all this mean to me right now? Am I a better person than I was? Would I rather have remained inexposed and naive? After all is said and done I remain………more confused than I ever was!

Like a fine wine……

Like a fine wine, people do grow up and into new beautiful beings or sometimes tortured souls. Either way whatever you grow into ends up defining what you value most in life.

Our experiences teach and torture us alike. I was trying to scheme through this blog that I have not touched in the longest time and some of the stronger themes that came up are that I value relationships and these same valued relationships have ended up being sources of great dissolutionment and dissapointment. But there are some relationships that I have grown into that have been a great sense of satisfaction and fulfilment and it is a choice I have to make as to what side I choose to tip my life scales with.

One such relationship that was exciting and adrenaline pumping for the last few years seems to be slowly evolving into a pit of mistrust, disrespect and endless agony. But then again the seemingly strained relationship has brought forth another relationship so pure, so loving, so amazing. The love and bond between a mother and a daughter.

Purpose for life has taken on a whole new meaning. There is a reason to work, there is a reason to breathe, there is a reason to be proud, no matter how this relationship came about. It may not have been kosher in the eyes of critics but its here now….to stay!

The day I laid eyes on my daughter every dynamic and paradigm shifted for me. I vividly saw the reason I was created a woman. It has been a roller coaster ride and the highs totally outdo the lows in the journey of the last two years. She has a personality of gold: strong, bright, high value and more so malleable ready for the world. Her smile melts all agony that any other person or circumstance brings my way.

I never realised this and for a while I put my job before her, at times, until that fleeting job suddenly became no more and the choice I was but left with was to go home to my obligations. She has taught me to live and that after all is said and done she is the one I will have left when all other passes. I love Nashipae she has truly brought happiness as her name suggests.

 

 

 

 

When “Normal” comes knocking

Well I have never been a sucker for the ordinary…… that said, I feel life is too ordinary now. Its a John smith type of a life where everything is average and normal. I wake up in the morning do my usual commute to work, do lunch in the same old joint and probably order same old thing from the menu, leave work go to school have dinner go to bed. Routine day in day out. Weekends are characterized by the usual go to school on Saturday morning spend the rest of the day bumming about or at the construction development at Kitengela watching fundis do their thing. It can get any more normal than this.

Sometimes I reminisce about the good ‘ol days when there was something exciting happening every weekend. I had time to do coffee with friends or go out for a drink just for the sake of it. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining just that I now think I understand as you grow older you grow more boring. I kinda feel where my parents are coming from with wanting to be at home all the time. When I was growing up my old man always asked me where it was that I would always go instead of spending time with them and I would always respond that I have friends that i am going to meet. Honestly, I still have the friends that I had but everyone has suddenly become so busy and inaccessible that you just end up resigning to the fact that you life has become boring.

All in all, the Masters I started in January is coming along well I am now on my second last semester of coursework meaning if all goes well I might just have a chance to finish and graduate by the close of next year. But I am getting really burnt out from it. I have lost the zeal I had when I began the course. I am feeling utterly frustrated at the thought of going to school I am really hoping for some inner strength to help me through this thing. I am sort of feeling isolated and detached from whats going on in the world and i often wonder when I am done what i shall do with all that free time I shall be having. No wonder people get married and start breeding children soon after school, to kill the boredom from all the free time that is available to them.

My loving Baldy also took the bold step and started attending evening classes as well at CUEA. I think he had too much time in his hands now that I am no longer as available and around as I was before I started school. He has been amazing and really supportive of my being at school though I must admit i really miss the escapades we would have before I got too busy. The last time we were out of town we could not even go far it had to be for only one night really close by at Murang’a. We got to sample the new 4 star hotel, Nokras. It wasn’t too bad but i still think there is a lot of room for improvement. I think the owner of this hotel went on a shopping frenzy in China. Every last item and fixture of that hotel is from china, from the bathroom doors to the salt shakers, everything just screams China! I do not recommend the black forest cake. I am not sure if too many people order it so it was stale and the “freshly squeezed” juice was over diluted. The TV in the room was only showing half screen, the other half of the screen was spoilt which was a disappointment given that everything looks so new. But everything else seemed ok. The staff really tried their best to  keep us as comfortable as possible and the bathrooms had condiments specially made for the hotel, that was a plus.

Today I went for a job interview in an Insurance company. I think its about time I had a change in career. All this studying should at least yield some form of benefit for me. It was just the preliminary elimination process which I hope to sail through before getting to the tougher ones where I really have to prove myself. These are such “normal” worries…….where did the oomph go to, I wonder?

 

WOOOHOOO!!!! Am on top of the world!

I have got my mind made up and I won’t turn back!!!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!! I am generally a very happy woman these days. The other day my boyfriend was telling me of how he read some bits and pieces of this blog and he though that I was super miserable before we met and he is happy that he came in the nick of time for both my sake and his sake too. I think when you go through a lot of tribulations in life, then you cannot but help but enjoy the good times when they come.

I remember a time when I would use this forum to rant and vent and complain and generally feel sad about myself. Now, I barely even think of writing here any more because I am so happy and there is a certain aura of misery around this blog that I my have been subconsciously avoiding…..who knows? I will not say that it has been a smooth ride throughout, there was the time not so long ago that my supposedly “super amazing” boss went AWOL when he was needed most and I had just enrolled for school and moved to a new house and I was thinking to myself what the hell am I going to do? but I guess everything is simpler when you are handling issues in pairs instead of solo. My dearest Baldy has been super cool and has supported me through a lot of stuff that I have had to face over the past few months in ways that I could never have imagined possible.

I live my life these days counting blessings and wishing and praying for a long life together. Last week my papa had a nasty health scare and had to be hospitalized for 3 days and I was so scared for him but Baldy was always there encouraging me from the day I got the news to when he was out of hospital. I am so grateful for a support system I wonder how I ever lived without one for so long. This guy is for keeps for sure. All the doubts I had before about his family and all that is the least of my worries now and I am basking in unwavering devotion to this guy.

School has been somewhat harassing me with having to work and study all the time but I guess this is how life is. I cannot wait to be over and done with it so that I get ahead of life already. Yes,  I have never stopped being impatient about things pertaining to rushing my life forward. If only there was a fast forward button to my life, I would keep rewinding my days with Baldy and forwarding those that I have to be in class 😛

Well the general point is that I am happy and contented and I feel refreshingly on top of the world!!!

Feels totaly right now……

The story of my life is getting increasingly exciting as months pass by. I have just gone through the previous post that I had written and I am almost surprised to see that I have been able to achieve quite a bit of what I was skeptical about. They say the new year comes with new outlooks and new perspectives and from my point of view I agree. I was hoping and trying to motivate myself to get back to school to do my masters degree and it took immediate action upon spotting an Ad on the newspaper from the University of Nairobi requesting for applications for their MBA program. I had sort of given up on the fact that I would go back to school but Mr. Man has been super supportive of everything I have been putting my mind to of late. He got me off my butt and made sure that the day had not ended without me having gone to get the application form for the program. Now I am back to being a student for the next 2 or so years. I wonder how this will go…… I cant believe that after all this while I am going to be a student again. I am so excited yet so overly scared at the same time. School is never easy.

Besides that “Mr. Married man” and I are stronger than ever. I think my attraction to him is growing more intense by the day. we are now on our 8th month together and boy, am I having the time of my life. He has been amazing to me emotionally and to some extent materially as well. We are starting a business venture together for farming broilers on a piece of land that he owns but has been doing nothing with for over 3 years, a few changes with my acumen have been effected in his accounting firm, we have made solid and (hopefully) sustainable plans for the future together. I must admit at times I am still very very skeptical but slowly by slowly as time goes by I keep seeing an amazing side of him that I had always wished for in a man. My worries about the “co-wife” are almost non existent though I recognize with respect that she is still there and she is hte mother of his children and i would not do anything to change that. We still have not met, and i have stopped being anxious to meet her because I know eventually we shall meet. Though  had a bit of a drama segment with her sometime back when she contacted me on phone. I know she knows I exist and I am impacting mr. man’s life a huge deal but she is at peace with it for now. As long as we are respecting each others territory then things are quiet and peaceful.

My not blogging for a while has partly been because I have been kept so busy on my toes and I have been nurturing what mr. man and I have together, that I have not had time to go attention seeking all over, which I was particularly good at sometime back when I was idle. I know they say that if a guy truly loves you he will wait for you to live your dreams, and you know what? He is not only letting me live  my dreams, we are living some of them together hand in hand. Why lie, I am smitten. I was using the word “like” before, well it seems it changed to “love” a long time ago. A guy is letting me go to school, letting me run some of his affairs, letting me have a business of my own and before the end of this year, buying me a car to make it convenient to do all the above and still keep my head above water. I pray to God everyday to give us a long life together and to grow our love for each other day by day. I pray for his prosperity and mine as well and I pray for God’s peace upon the both of us. What more can be said over and above that.

So bad,…..but feels real good

Well as always most things that are bad for you feel so good. Just like fried chicken, will eventually kill you but tastes so irresistible. I am dating a married man and I love him with all my being and all that I am. I know many times when dating and in bliss, usually at the very initial stages, people feel like that love can never be broken. I may not know if it’s that puppy love stage but I do not think I have ever experienced anything like what I am going through now. Many times I get happy for a while then it fades. It’s now been 3 months and already there are so many hopes and aspirations of being together. I do not deny that I do foresee challenges and serious obstacles in our relationship especially because of the “married man” issue.As much as there are aspirations and hopes there are also fears and uncertainty that cannot be ignored. I have really been trying to deeply think about what I am doing to his wife and whether the ame could be done to me once life stops becoming a smooth ride and reality checks in. The same could also happen to me because lets face it, if he can do it once then he can do it again but this time to me. Sort of a same script different cast kind of story. Currently I have tried to ignore that but I cannot disregard it all together and I should not be blinded by other things so as to be caught unaware.

There have been talks of being introduced to the wife as a potential co wife. I would shudder at the idea of coming second to someone sometime back but I think as time goes by but with a lot of worry I am getting warmed up to the idea. As scary as it sounds I think I am so smitten to the point of considering that I could be with him and his wife and the 2 kids as one big relatively happy family. So far there has been a lot of talks and support for me to go back to school to do my masters which will give me enough time to reflect on what I want to do after the studies and how I shall prepare mentally and socially to introduce him to my family. I have met quite a few people in his family starting with his dad and cousins and uncles and a few of siblings. The kind of family he comes from does not seem to mind me being around. I even somehow get the feeling that they prefer to have me around than they do the Mrs.

You would ask what the story of his wife is. I do not know much about her other than what I am told and of course there is no way I can rely on a one-sided story but so far I know they got married 3 months after meeting when she discovered she was expecting their first child. Since he is not one to abandon his child he took her in as his wife. Well since it was a purely physical relationship the puppy love novelty fast ran out and he has cheated on her several times but they still remain together and were even blessed with another bundle of joy. He has 2 kids. He states that he is not fulfilled as he would want to be and was for a long time burdened with an emptiness and that is what he was attempting to fill when he sought me out. He says his wife is not very supportive of new projects that he wants to do and is also entirely dependent on him despite having her own vibrant business meant to bring in income to sustain daily subsistence. According to him she will call him at any moment to ask for petty cash to run the household and for small things like bread for breakfast and such other things that you would expect the lady to be caking care of. i would not want to negate his story full and neither do I support his justification of cheating but I am sort of stuck in a dilemma. I really like him he is the right guy in all the right ways for  me but there is this really big blotch that is both scary and exciting in an adventurous kind of way. How can doing something so bad to “madam co-wife” feel so good?

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