Feels totaly right now……
03 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in About me, Dating, Lessons learnt, REFLECTION, relationships
The story of my life is getting increasingly exciting as months pass by. I have just gone through the previous post that I had written and I am almost surprised to see that I have been able to achieve quite a bit of what I was skeptical about. They say the new year comes with new outlooks and new perspectives and from my point of view I agree. I was hoping and trying to motivate myself to get back to school to do my masters degree and it took immediate action upon spotting an Ad on the newspaper from the University of Nairobi requesting for applications for their MBA program. I had sort of given up on the fact that I would go back to school but Mr. Man has been super supportive of everything I have been putting my mind to of late. He got me off my butt and made sure that the day had not ended without me having gone to get the application form for the program. Now I am back to being a student for the next 2 or so years. I wonder how this will go…… I cant believe that after all this while I am going to be a student again. I am so excited yet so overly scared at the same time. School is never easy.
Besides that “Mr. Married man” and I are stronger than ever. I think my attraction to him is growing more intense by the day. we are now on our 8th month together and boy, am I having the time of my life. He has been amazing to me emotionally and to some extent materially as well. We are starting a business venture together for farming broilers on a piece of land that he owns but has been doing nothing with for over 3 years, a few changes with my acumen have been effected in his accounting firm, we have made solid and (hopefully) sustainable plans for the future together. I must admit at times I am still very very skeptical but slowly by slowly as time goes by I keep seeing an amazing side of him that I had always wished for in a man. My worries about the “co-wife” are almost non existent though I recognize with respect that she is still there and she is hte mother of his children and i would not do anything to change that. We still have not met, and i have stopped being anxious to meet her because I know eventually we shall meet. Though had a bit of a drama segment with her sometime back when she contacted me on phone. I know she knows I exist and I am impacting mr. man’s life a huge deal but she is at peace with it for now. As long as we are respecting each others territory then things are quiet and peaceful.
My not blogging for a while has partly been because I have been kept so busy on my toes and I have been nurturing what mr. man and I have together, that I have not had time to go attention seeking all over, which I was particularly good at sometime back when I was idle. I know they say that if a guy truly loves you he will wait for you to live your dreams, and you know what? He is not only letting me live my dreams, we are living some of them together hand in hand. Why lie, I am smitten. I was using the word “like” before, well it seems it changed to “love” a long time ago. A guy is letting me go to school, letting me run some of his affairs, letting me have a business of my own and before the end of this year, buying me a car to make it convenient to do all the above and still keep my head above water. I pray to God everyday to give us a long life together and to grow our love for each other day by day. I pray for his prosperity and mine as well and I pray for God’s peace upon the both of us. What more can be said over and above that.
So bad,…..but feels real good
03 Sep 2011 1 Comment
in Dating, REFLECTION, relationships, Relationships can be tough, What is wrong with me?
Well as always most things that are bad for you feel so good. Just like fried chicken, will eventually kill you but tastes so irresistible. I am dating a married man and I love him with all my being and all that I am. I know many times when dating and in bliss, usually at the very initial stages, people feel like that love can never be broken. I may not know if it’s that puppy love stage but I do not think I have ever experienced anything like what I am going through now. Many times I get happy for a while then it fades. It’s now been 3 months and already there are so many hopes and aspirations of being together. I do not deny that I do foresee challenges and serious obstacles in our relationship especially because of the “married man” issue.As much as there are aspirations and hopes there are also fears and uncertainty that cannot be ignored. I have really been trying to deeply think about what I am doing to his wife and whether the ame could be done to me once life stops becoming a smooth ride and reality checks in. The same could also happen to me because lets face it, if he can do it once then he can do it again but this time to me. Sort of a same script different cast kind of story. Currently I have tried to ignore that but I cannot disregard it all together and I should not be blinded by other things so as to be caught unaware.
There have been talks of being introduced to the wife as a potential co wife. I would shudder at the idea of coming second to someone sometime back but I think as time goes by but with a lot of worry I am getting warmed up to the idea. As scary as it sounds I think I am so smitten to the point of considering that I could be with him and his wife and the 2 kids as one big relatively happy family. So far there has been a lot of talks and support for me to go back to school to do my masters which will give me enough time to reflect on what I want to do after the studies and how I shall prepare mentally and socially to introduce him to my family. I have met quite a few people in his family starting with his dad and cousins and uncles and a few of siblings. The kind of family he comes from does not seem to mind me being around. I even somehow get the feeling that they prefer to have me around than they do the Mrs.
You would ask what the story of his wife is. I do not know much about her other than what I am told and of course there is no way I can rely on a one-sided story but so far I know they got married 3 months after meeting when she discovered she was expecting their first child. Since he is not one to abandon his child he took her in as his wife. Well since it was a purely physical relationship the puppy love novelty fast ran out and he has cheated on her several times but they still remain together and were even blessed with another bundle of joy. He has 2 kids. He states that he is not fulfilled as he would want to be and was for a long time burdened with an emptiness and that is what he was attempting to fill when he sought me out. He says his wife is not very supportive of new projects that he wants to do and is also entirely dependent on him despite having her own vibrant business meant to bring in income to sustain daily subsistence. According to him she will call him at any moment to ask for petty cash to run the household and for small things like bread for breakfast and such other things that you would expect the lady to be caking care of. i would not want to negate his story full and neither do I support his justification of cheating but I am sort of stuck in a dilemma. I really like him he is the right guy in all the right ways for me but there is this really big blotch that is both scary and exciting in an adventurous kind of way. How can doing something so bad to “madam co-wife” feel so good?
A lot’s happened since i have been away
18 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment
in Dating, Random, relationships
Well well well where do I start? Since I have been gone and been silent I have had a chance to reflect, re-reflect and ponder upon what I really want in life. I wanted to make sure that I am no longer intolerant and so I opened up to the advances of one of the people who I never imagined I would ever be caught dead dating and guess what????? I gave regular petrol a try and my engine runs just fine. I have found an amazing guy who treats me like his queen and love me without bound.
Some guys may say that he is a bit of a shade but shady or not he has been able to set up a thriving accounting firm, cannot say he is a wanting man as he owns several prime properties all over, he is willing to jump over the moon for me and in turn I have reciprocated that amazing love that he has shown me.
I am in bliss. Not all roads are smooth and I will not deny there are always “buts” here and there. He is not perfect and I love him for his imperfection. He does not go through hoops to show me a person that he is not. On the contrary, he shows me his flaws that i may complement and supplement them. I would not change him for anything.
I met him a little under 2 months ago and we caught on like wild-fire. I know that is a short time but I am praying that we are able to sustain the spark that is clearly super bright.
Yesterday I moved houses. Partly because i am getting very serious and therefore I need a bigger more private space where I can feel less restricted by eyes watching my back all the time. The moving experience was not as harrowing and scary as it usually is as i had a lot of support from my bro his friend and my latest catch. I was able to do that with a lot of ease and now its a matter of getting settled in the new place.
Intolerant?!?
20 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in About me Tags: boyfriends, G, intolerance, Old enemies
I was tickled the other day when a friend of mine who was staying me for a couple of days woke up one morning and asked me why I am intolerant of boyfriends. I must admit that got me off guard but my friend went on to explain that I am not intolerant in the sense of racism or tribalism or any other of those …isms but in the sense that I generally carry my life so independently that a man would think that I do not want to be with him. Apparently I seem to have a comfort zone in my system of doing things that a man does not fit in the picture. I found that hilarious.
But 2 days down the line I find myself still reflecting on that statement, I am not sure why its bothering me so much but it is. I decided to stop crazing around about whether or not I should be having a boyfriend and decided to concentrate more on other important things in my life like my job and since there have not been that many weddings to attend and depress me in that sense all has been well. Though honestly it seems that weddings have been replaced by funerals. within this one week there have been 3 funerals of completely unrelated people but who are linked to me I one way or another. I digress…
I do not think the word intolerant has any positiveness linked to it in anyway so in retrospect maybe this thing is disturbing me because that is not a word that i want associated with me. I like pleasantness and I will not accept that unpleasant adjective as a word that would describe me. So what do I do about it? I have to try as hard as I can to kill that aura of intolerance for men, after all, I will one day want to end up living with one of them for the rest of my life and if I will not be able to tolerate them how will I find him or keep him 
I am taking a conscious decision to not be intolerant!
In other news KWFT’s G reached out once again. He is in mourning since his dad passed on and will be buried tomorrow (am still contemplating attending the funeral). I do not understand if its the grief but he made me stay on after the mini fundraiser to offset the medical bills for the old man and together with his pals from high school we went for drinks. I wonder where this sudden streak of politeness for me has come from. %)
In the same meeting I also met my former boss, the pain in the ass. He put up a show for other faces but took me to the side to make it clear that he still holds a grudge against me. I laughed straight into his face. He is so childish! He apparently wants to call me for a meeting to discuss how I smeared his reputation this coming week. Of course I know he will not call but I think it would be a rather interesting conversation if he indeed did call. I would go just to laugh on his face again like to make him feel stupid and juvenile, which he is.
Giving up!
27 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in About me, Dating, REFLECTION, relationships, Venting Tags: dating, depression, friends, giving up
Taking things for granted has always possibly been common nature with me. I almost got depressed yesterday when I discovered that one person who has always adored and admired me since time immemorial but whom I have never given time of day has finally moved on to greater things. The saying you never know what you have till its missing makes so much sense to me right now. I have always held that friendship in regard though I scoffed at the idea that it could go on to greater things much to the frustration of the other party. Now hard to get has sent him running. I am not sure he realizes it and I was even surprised myself when I felt green with envy seeing him with someone else. It was one of those friendship where you cannot have me but I will not let anyone else have you either. That moment felt so lonely a tear came to my eye.
Well I attended a wedding yesterday and the pastor made a very powerful sermon about the 4 stages of marriage which are: Dream, Drama, Discovery and Dance/Depth. He was very clear that the dream stage is where you are searching for the perfect guy and you have all these conceptions in your head about what your ideal partner could be and is at the time of dating and courtship. I think this is where I have been hitting snags. My expectations are possibly out of this world and that makes everyone look imperfect in my eyes. I will always either find fault in the person or in me and I will make excuses about why it is not possible for us to be together. I have always been a big dreamer. Now I give up, let come what come may, I am tired of wanting so much and getting nothing that I want. Now I have resigned my fate to “if it was meant to happen then it will happen”, otherwise, forget about it!
I will stop looking for signs, I will stop hoping for miracles, I resign my fate to remain alone. Funny how you can be surrounded by so many people yet feel totally isolated and alone. I sat in a room full of people yesterday who had so much to tell me and so much partying going around and I was running mad with fury. I kept asking myself why these people are so happy yet am finding it difficult to match that attitude and mood that filled the room.
Serenity, Peace, Calm
14 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
The last few weeks of my life have been difficult ones so to speak, but I am beginning to see marvelous lights at the end of the tunnel. I have worked out the issues I had with myself regarding my social life. I am not with anyone per se but I am finally at peace now that I know that I am headed nowhere in that direction and I should just kill my zeal and enthusiasm for the knowledge that with patience all things will be added on to me.
I finally talked to FN as suddenly as the way our contact had died, is the same suddenness that he got back in touch and we had a chance to have a good old-fashioned conversation about all the issues that I had been battling with. It’s over but I do not feel bad about it because I already felt bad when I did not know if it was over or not. I only feel serene, like I have had a burden lifted off me. Besides this, the doctor’s tests also came but at first they were somehow inconclusive until on Monday I got my menses back and that brought another wave of calm through me. Knowing I am healthy and all my systems are a go is just a calming peace that you would never know till you are faced with a threat of the opposite.
I am happy for the first time in a long time and I do not feel depressed whatsoever. This could be coupled by the fact that I have had a couple of rocking weekends and no time to sit around moaning myself. Life has its ups and downs and mine is currently looking towards heading out of the recession it was stuck in for so long.
Dumb idiot!!!
08 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Relationships can be tough Tags: being lesbian, dumb ass, gulibility, idiots
I knew it! I knew it! knew it! People just do not withdraw randomly for no reason issues or no issues. I saw it coming and I did not take any measures to cushion myself against it. FN is either back with the baby mama or well on his way to getting back with her. So all I can say is that it’s over and I am so mad that I allowed myself yet again to be screwed over!!! AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!! I am so mad I could burst. I know for sure he has not moved in but that does not mean much. I know for sure that the flying to the states story is water under the bridge and if my hunch is anything to go by, they have decided to “work on it”. I know I have a sixth sense and i am watching all these signs unraveling and all I can say is that I AM A DUMB ASS IDIOT!!!
The only saving grace I have is that I have run before things turn nasty. Wish him all the best and I do not even want an explanation. safest bet is to steer clear away! But in truth at this rate I am now thinking of turning lesbian. I am fed up! I give up!
Not so happy Valentine’s…..
08 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in REFLECTION Tags: depression, loneliness, men, relationships, Valentine's day
I feel depressed, unwanted, unloved, judged, used, inadequate, gullible,weak-hearted and a lot of other nasty things. Insomnia is back, my head is reeling and spinning all the time. I feel like I have enslaved my mind to the idea that being with someone is one thing that would actually make me happy and the fact that time is moving and I still do not seem settled enough to be with someone, or I may be settled but nobody no longer feels the interest to be with me.
I also realize that these bouts of self loathe come when am highly hormonal. I am not sure whether I am irrational because of the hormones or I have been suppressing some underlying issues that are right now being magnified by my state of being hormonal. It’s not a secret that I long to be with someone but I never feel the urge as badly as I do now. I am reminded of the character of Susan Meyer (Teri Hatcher) from desperate housewives who at some point came to the realization that she could not be without a man in her life.
I am alienated so much that I feel that nobody cares about me anymore. This morning tears came to my eyes when I discovered that I was “mistakenly” left out of a mailing for friends that has been circulating and the originator of this mail is someone I once considered and still consider amongst my closest friends. I put mistakenly in quote marks because apparently there is no way I was not meant to be in that list but unfortunately its been a bit of a while since I “showed up” to anything that guys have forgotten about me. This could be debatable for a few because I seem to be attending everything there is with or without an invite.
I was on phone last night with another old-time friend of mine who had an interest in me back in the day when we were in campus together. Somehow he seemed surprised that I did not have a husband, boyfriend or baby in tow. I found that an interesting observation and his argument was that a beautiful person like me should not be alone. So I challenged him and asked why he is not the one who is my boyfriend and he said that we grew apart sometime in school as I always seemed focused on what I wanted and he did not. True to the word, I do not remember us ever fighting or anything, we just grew apart. Then he said that I never seemed to take him seriously (that was painful to hear). Then he said that most men would fear to be with me not because I intimidate them, but because I am too liberal. Till now I am trying to figure out what “too liberal” means.
So in other words I am supposed to change who I am if I am ever going to have a chance at love. I think that is a load of steamy sewer. But in truth if all else fails I think I shall reflect back on these views and maybe consider taking some of the advice, meanwhile I still do not see why I should change for someone who is probably not willing to do the same for me and it would mean living a pretend life just so that I get a man.
Rubbing salt onto all this injury, we are in the week preceding Valentines day, that capitalist holiday designed to make people like me feel bad about themselves. You should hear the plans people are making around me. Makes me realize that I have never ever truly been dated. Crap! here we go am now depressed again.
Utterly miserable….
20 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in About me
Today I discovered something interesting about me. Well I cannot really call it a discovery, it probably has been emerging from a pattern of my previous posts but well I think I am finally ready to admit it to myself: “I am utterly miserable!”
My work is going great! I finally have challenging responsibilities, I am getting to travel this year, something I hold very dearly to my social existence, I may finally be breaking away from working from home (eventually) so in the work front you could say that I am really happy. So why do I think I am miserable? It’s because despite all the nice things happening and I got going on in my life (read: work) nothing else seems to be bringing me excitement.
I have not slept for the last one week, I am not sick, I have not had a proper meal and neither the appetite for a proper meal in over a week as well. I think the only thing I have had this whole week is a couple of mangoes, 2 liters of soda, 500ml of ice cream and a half a pack of french fries. One would argue that since I have to cook for one the morale could be elusive, but I don’t think so. I have absolutely no motivation to labour over a stove let alone eat.
I do not feel like going home of late because am always given the third degree on every little move I try to make. I can barely go to the loo at home without my mother asking where I am going. I cannot sit for 5 minutes without her trying to shove food down my throat. It pains me to say this but being at home is amongst the most annoying experiences that I go through these days. I am restless half the time I am there. My place is not any better, because I am couped up in here all week, I sometimes feel claustrophobic to the point of just getting up to go into the city without any particular agenda. Just so that I can be outside. Once I get outside I have no where in particular to go. All my friends and acquaintances are at work and there is no way you are going to disturb people when they are working. Even if I was to go disturb them while they are working, I do not know where the bulk of them are based(makes you wonder if they really are friends). So I get to town and am this wandering individual roaming there confused. So the thought of that again makes me have no motivation at all to go into town and the vicious cycle continues. I don’t want to be in the house, I don’t want to be and can’t be in town without a valid reason, I don’t want to be at home, some of the friends I have are a bad influence because will end up drinking during the week, so I can’t be with them on week days…..and that is the story of my life.
Or then again may be am just a spoilt whiny brat! That can never be ruled out!
